Rendered Past

Cool breeze kissed my cheeks. Muffled noise in the distance. ‘Who the fuck is that? It’s like middle of the night. Pls stop.’ i said to myself, too tired to say it out loud.

Then someone spoke. “Now what?”

What the… I grumpily opened my eyes. hell?.. I’m not in my bed anymore…

I’m sitting on a bench, surrounded by trees, wearing my usual green hoodie.

“Hey?”. It sounded so familiar. I looked at my left and I saw her. I was stunned. It’s her. It’s A.

She’s facing the other side of park. She’s wearing her gray sweater that i used to love. God she’s cute.

Why are you doing this to me brain?!
“Hm. Yah sorry I spaced out.” I said. Wait did I?

“You said we’re going to talk bout us” she replied.

“Yah uhm… like i said in the msg that I’m ready… I want to let you go” yup great it’s the past me who’s talking. and I’m going to see it all again horray! fck…

“But why! What’s the reason!?” i can see that tears starts to fill her eyes.

I can barely look at her. “i dont know…” i said softly.

She always cover her face when she noticed that I’m looking at her. But now she’s covering her facr because her tears are slowly falling from her eyes.

“You dont know? How the hell you dont know”muffled but i can still hear her.

“I do know…”.
I’m shitty i said to myself

“Then what is it”

“I dont want to hurt you anymore…”
(Yup I know it’s a stupid excuse. But it’s true… we always fight ’bout something ).
“I want you to be happy. And by looking what’s happening to us lately we’re still going to end up in this situation.”

and there’s a long silence… both of us crying.. we both still love each other.

After that we talked a little bit then got up from the bench and walked. An awkward walk.

Then I stopped for a moment.

“What?” She asked.

“Can I hug you one last time?”
Before she can even answer. I grabbed her and hugged her tight and she hugged me back.

Then she tiptoed and her warm lips met mine. and I also kissed her back.

It was the longest minute of my day

Then suddenly there’s this loud buzzing sound and I cant hear anymore what’s shes saying.

I opened my eyes and the loud noise is still there. It was my alarm. I swiped snooze and covered my face again with the blanket.

Fuck you brain.
I can feel the tear that tracing my cheeks and I just let it fall.

I miss her.


Letters to Letters

Dear A

You know how much I like to run. I do it almost every other day to keep my mind of things. But that? God I hated myself for doing that. Running. away from you.

And I’m really sorry…

I hope you can forgive me.


Dear L

I know we’ve known each other for atleast two weeks now and I find you amusing haha. You’re one crazy ass person. And even though you’re bitchy most of the time i like you!

I hope more people would see the fun behind you’re armor.

Hope to see you soon.


Dear M
I’ve fallen to like you so much for the past months that we talked to each other. You’re like a multiple person in one. I’ve liked your flaws, your impulsiveness, your craziness etc. You we’re perfect imperfect.

But you’ve told me that you weren’t ready yet. That made my heart sink but i didnt lose hope that there will be a day that we will try this again. 
Our little fling…

You called me masochist for the hundredth time but yeah maybe I am…    When it comes to you atleast.

Anyways I hope you still remember our little deal.



Dear E/H 

Or do you prefer My precious Rant buddy haha.

Do you remember the first time we met?

It was on a donut shop haha (and i was late haha sorry bout that). We barely knew each other that time but you wanted to go to the lantern parade so i offered to come with and that’s how our rantbuddy/friendship started.

Yah I’ll admit that I liked you more than a friend. Well who could resist that cute face and voice of yours haha kidding.

Our little meetups? It lightened up my week haha.

Yah we just rant bout smth to each other every week but it kinda makes me closer to you. Even though you’re still a mystery to me haha.

Anyways I wanna see you again soon even though you’re always grumpy when we meet coz you need to do schoolworks and you’re still out.

Dear D

I know that our little game is finally over. 
I still miss you.

I know were not supposed to

But we got attached to each other 

Hoping that our little game would be true someday. But who are we kidding? Lol. You’ve got a guy that who cant let you go and you loved him for more than 3yrs now I think?

I’ve never thought i would be in that kind of relationship but we have spark that made us happy even though it’s just for a little while.

But yeah I realized that this shit is not going to be true haha our imaginary place wouldnt be bought anymore.

That’s why I needed to say goodbye.

Hope you find what you really want soon.